Cookpot: Antidote to Chain Letters

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Antidote To Chain Letters
A Nice Bit of Net Culture

Introduction

A friend of mine forwarded this to me. I found it rather amusing. I wish I knew the author because his or her sentiments pretty much echo mine. Chain letters are irritating whether on paper or in the ether of the Net. I presume that since there is an open invitation to forward this to anyone who sends you an annoying chain letter, that it's in the public domain. I lay no claims to having written this, but present it here for your use and amusement.

If you want to use it, just save a copy and edit it yourself. If you happen to know who the original author was, let me know. It would be nice to give them a credit.

The antidote to chain letters

The unknown author requests:

Next time, before forwarding ANY TYPE of chain letter to ANYONE, think of this mailing, please. Thank you.

There are four basic types of chain letters:

Chain Letter Type I:

Make a wish!!!

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Really, go on and make one wish!!!
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Oh please, s/he'll never go out with you!!!
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Wish something else!!!
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Not *that* either, you pervert!!
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Is your finger getting tired yet?

You Can Stop Now Moron!!!!!!!!

Wasn't that fun? Hope you made a great wish. Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to a certain number of people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and then thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It's true! Because, you know, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!! Here's how it goes.

Send this to 1 person: One person will be upset with you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be upset with you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

5-10 people: 5-10 people will be upset with you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

10-20 people: 10-20 people will be upset with you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

20 to 674,951 1/2 people: 20 to 674,951 1/2 people will be upset with you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!

Chain Letter Type II

Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no pecker. This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Starving Legless Armless Parentless Peckerless Little Boys from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Remember, we have no way of counting letters sent. So go on, reach out. Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder- if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly and a mad goat will rape your dead body. Thanks again!!

Chain Letter Type III

Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many little 8 year olds writing chain letters. So this is how it works. Pass this on to 1,5067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:

Queer Horror Story #1:

Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the side walk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poop, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!!

Queer Horror Story #2

Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way, especially at Oklahoma City University). They both died and went to hell. They continued to suffer in hell where they were both cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity. This Could Happen To You!!!

Remember, you could end up like Pinsley and Bip did. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be okay.

Of course, there's the guy in Peoria Illinois who DID forward this on and then he married his secret crush, they moved to the suburbs, had 2.3 children and lived happily ever after.

Right up until he started working late every night, started an affair with his secretary and boozing. Then she started sleeping with the golf pro at the local country club, became addicted to sleeping pills and their 2.3 children got into gangs and drugs. Then everything went to hell, and they got divorced. She got the house and the kids, and he got the car and child support payment, and got to keep the mortgage payment, lost his job and his car and now is working the midnight shift at the local McDonald's.

Chain Letter Type IV

As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of your friends.

Friends

- A friend is someone who is always at your side,
- A friend is someone who likes you even though you smell like a wet dog,
- A friend is someone who likes you even though you're disgustingly ugly,
- A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your loser life,
- A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be raped by a mad goat and then thrown to vicious dogs,

Now pass this on! If you don't, Satan will send dogs in heat to your room in your sleep!!

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